Tuesday, November 29, 2005

xiao di di, please forgive me...

i feel sooo guilty about what happened just now during one of my papers..

so here it goes.

it was the exam for the childish module - mpw - and halfway the paper, this guy suddenly asked me whether he can borrow my calculator.. he TALKED to me!! i mean since young, you and i know not to ever talk to anyone during exams, right?. even if i drop my pencil/eraser/pen, i would raise up my hand. call me paranoid, i JUST don't want to be caught cheating.

so when i heard his voice, i began to get worried to be caught cheating or having the intention to cheat, cause the invigilator earlier on already said that she'll just take note of anyone having the intention to cheat and won't probe further if she catches you cheating... so i didn't say anything to that guy, and pointed the invigilator.. he thought that i didn't want to lend him, so instead of asking her whether he can borrow my calculator, he asked for permission to take his calculator... BUT again, this small boy boy didn't bring one and instead took his handphone... i was looking at my own paper then. When the invigilator told him "NO", someone behind offered her calculator..

Blah! I am like this selfish bitch who doesn't want to lend people calculator now.. but that wasn't what i meant loh...i meant asking the invigilator first then i'll lend him. this is my second last sem already, and i don't want to be caught cheating for just a little xiao di di who doesn't know what-not-to-during exams!

damn it lah.. i feel so bad and i have to live with that. i wanted to explain to him after the paper, but he kind of give me that attitude when i reminded him to do something else

... geerrr...

am i that bad?

that's the reason why I prefer to sit by myself during exams. like in the first row of the sr, where the table is too small to have two peeps, so i have that whole table to myself. okay, maybe i'm an antisocial egocentric selfish bitch.

mood:Image hosted by Photobucket.com*guilty*

Sunday, November 27, 2005


a tired looking fran
a bus ride to church
a visit to mango
and

voila!

a satisfied fran

mood:Image hosted by Photobucket.com*giggly*

Friday, November 25, 2005


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exams here I come!

can you sense my boredom when i am studying?
my ass is in pain after having to sit down here for 2h20min
my eyes is teary too
i have sooo much problem about studying
i can't study at home
so i have to make my way down to the school library
in order to get something into my ever-so-stubborn brain
troublesome right?
is not as if anyone is disturbing me at home?
hello, i have the blooodddyy house to myself
but i can't sit still at my study table for 30mins!!
what is my problem??
arrghhh...
i hate the fact that i am not nervous for the exam
and yet
i am not prepared too.

wtf, right?

mood:Image hosted by Photobucket.com*uncomfortable* cause the chair is hard

Saturday, November 19, 2005

I have a fuzzy feeling when old friends who I have not heard for years, suddenly, contact me. I do wonder why they bother to message me out of the blue. I don't know whether I should feel happy that "hey, they still remember me!" or should i be critical and think "is he contacting me for a motive?" But so far, all of them have only been asking me how I am doing and bla bla bla. And no Fangky, they are not in that line, so I am still quite safe. At least, for now.

For the past 2 days, I have been in the school library. I have a sudden affinity to it. I like the feeling of having the whole table to myself, and the window that overlooks the concourse of the school. Plus, being in the library keeps me away from the unnecessary acts of blog hopping. It's a good environment to study.

I don't know if this is a good sign or not, but this is the first semester that I have 5 papers, back to back, BUT, I am not stress at all. I have not been mugging hard at all. Last last friday I was still out with Fangky, on sunday out again to catch "Just like Heaven" and this coming Monday, I'll be watching the "Harry Potter" show. I kept on telling myself that "it's okay to take a break" which is of course just to console oneself.

bla. i think i ought to work harder a little bit. 5paper, mind me!!

motivating note to self:
12 more days to freedom
freedom = sentosa + out with friends + martinis + fun + more fun

20 more days to going home
home = mummy + daddy + food + mani + pedi + massage +
fun + xmas tree + gathering with the family(s)

yeay!


back to bookienotie!

Friday, November 18, 2005

unexpected. exhilarated. excited. happy. thankful. jubilant.
on top of the world

simply GREAT!

now i have more drive to mug/beanerd/beageek

thank you God!

mood:
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*excited*


can you see how bored i am in class?

Your Heart Is Pink

In relationships, you like to play innocent - even though you aren't.
Each time you fall in love, it's like falling for the first time.

Your flirting style: Coy

Your lucky first date: Picnic in the park

Your dream lover: Is both caring and dominant

What you bring to relationships: Romance

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


uurrrghhhh
you just have to piss me off again right with your attitude?
i hate doing projects with you!
you are the first person that i really hate to do project with!
*hate hate hate!*
i never hate my project mate this much!
kuddos to you who really know how to be all vulnerable in front of the prof!
of course you have to be when you don't do your work!
urrrghhhh
tmrw will be the last time i will talk to you!
after that, you can just look at my superficial smile!
i really don't want to be your project mate ever and ever again

oh well, tell me, where on earth is there a project mate whom you msn to clarify something, and instead of answering, just went offline! phew! kaput!
i can bet is "appear offline" loh.
Is not once, but umpteen times, until i am so pissed
...urrrghhhh....
no point of being pissed off now, cause i am going to lallalaalla land
and i want to have sweet dreams of my chun jun ge!!
silly me.

but i am still pissed when i am writing this, so my mood shall be
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
*pissed off*

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

so what do you do when you are stress??
sounds like a million dollar questions eh...

for me, i cooked when i am stressed.
in fact, today, i whipped up 3 chicken dishes
my sis will go bonkas of chickens when she gets home!
and i cooked dishes from all over the world.
1. masala chicken (indian)
2. soto ayam (indonesian)
3. fried chicks (international)

on another note, i received this on my mailbox.

Hi there,
I just finished reading your report. It was very good, and interesting. It has an A+.
Cheers
-the prof-

wooohooo!! we are all very happy people.
even my prof say "cheers"!
we didn't expect it, cause we thought we covered less than the other presentations.
oh well, i better study hard for the finals, cause the other 70% has been secured...
good luck to me
and to you all who are having/going to have exams soon.

and think about the million dollar questions above!

mood:Image hosted by Photobucket.com *jubilant*

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Ah Hsia sent me this around June this year, and somehow i came across this again while I was blog-hopping (yes.. again) and I thought this is an interesting to be kept here. That way i can read it again and again when I am bored.

it's rather long. so if you have no patient, just read those that is in bold. :)

'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says

This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.


mood:Image hosted by Photobucket.com*thoughtful*

Thursday, November 03, 2005

see ya!



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